It was a really windy day, and the water was really choppy. There were a lot of sailboats out on the Lake, taking advantage of the wind. I got the widest kayak I could, as I’d never been before and wanted to reduce the risk of tipping as much as I could! It turns out, it’s not that hard to balance, so I didn’t tip. Because of the choppiness, however, I did get soaked by the frigid lake water! We paddled hard, watching sailboats go by, admiring the beauty of God‘s creation...but just going in circles.
You see, unfortunately, we weren’t allowed to go beyond large buoys that were floating in a circle, keeping us corralled in a small part of Lake Tahoe. Although it gave me a good taste of kayaking, I wanted to break out and GO somewhere, instead of just moving in a circle.
It wasn’t until later that night while laying in bed and reflecting on the day that I related this circle to my life. Sometimes I feel as though I’m just moving in a big circle. My life hasn’t really gone anywhere in 5 years. Our bible study group just started a new study in Proverbs. We are using the same workbook that I used when I led a young women’s bible study at my house five years ago. Instead of buying a new book, I found my old workbook tucked away on my bookshelf. I looked through it and read the prayer requests I’d jotted down in the margins of the pages, and reflected on what was going on in the lives of the small group of friends who came to my house on Thursday nights. We prayed for current relationships, future marriages, and future children. In the five years since, one of those girls got married, another is getting married this year. Two girls (who were already married then) now each have two children. Me? I’m still teaching. Still single. No babies.
Sometimes I feel like that part of the movie “Notting Hill” where Hugh Grant is walking through his neighborhood, and as he’s walking, the seasons are changing. Time is passing, leaves are falling, then snow is falling, then flowers are blooming, but he’s still just walking by himself through town, not really getting anywhere new, but watching the lives of others around him change. Every Christmas, I hope maybe the next one will be different, that I won‘t be alone. Each birthday, I do the same, each Valentine’s Day and each summer vacation.
If you ask anyone close to me, they’ll tell you I don’t like change. This is true…if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! But I feel broken. I’m ready for a change. But change at what cost, and on whose terms? I could have disregarded those buoys and paddled out into the lake, but there would have been consequences. Someone put those buoys out because they knew there were dangers in kayaking out into the open water. It was done for my own good. I try to remind myself of this when I get impatient with God’s plan in my life. He says he has plans for me…good ones.
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give
you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I could disregard God’s will for my life. He’s given me the freedom to make that choice. I ran into an acquaintance from high school and she asked if I had kids. I told her, “No, I haven’t found the right man yet.” To which, she replied, “So? You can have kids without a man.” Yes, I suppose I could, but I don’t think that’s God’s will for me, so why would I want to? One of the largest obstacles in finding a husband is finding one who meets my first requirement: that he have a personal relationship with God. This narrows the field considerably. Would it be easier to find someone if I disregarded this criteria? Absolutely. But would it be worth it? No, because I want what God wants… even if His timing isn’t my timing, and, as much as it breaks my heart to say it (I‘m crying as I type this), even if it means I’ll be single for the rest of my life. I want what God has for me, because it’s the best.
So, until God removes the buoys, I’ll be kayaking in a circle. But while I’m kayaking in a circle, I’m going to be thankful for what God has done in my life over the past five years. Now that I just spent several paragraphs bemoaning what he hasn’t done (in a very Eeyore-esque manner), I will focus on what He has done.
Family: I have a wonderful family who loves and supports unconditionally... and am blessed to live close to most of them. I have an extended family of brothers and sisters in Christ that I get to meet with every Sunday and worship with.
Friends: I have some lifelong friends from my childhood and from college that are blessings in my life. Unfortunately, they don't live close to me! When I graduated from college (10 years ago...eek!) and moved back home, I didn’t feel like I “belonged” here...I hadn’t found my niche. But, during the course of the bible study I spoke of five years ago, God answered my prayers and blessed me with some treasures for friends.
Health: Recently, I was reminded how much we take our health for granted. I am thankful that my loved ones and I are healthy.
Employment: Although I would like nothing more to stay home and raise a brood of babies, I’m not there yet and I need to provide for myself. God has kept me employed through a very difficult time in the education system. I was layed off four years ago and found a job the following school year, where I have been since. March 15th just came and went without even a hint of a pink slip with my name on it!
Grace: God loves me and He’s forgiven me. I get to spend forever with Him!
Nutella: One of God's most glorious creations.
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this
is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
I don't really know what to say.... This is beautiful, YOU are beautiful!! I'm praying <3
ReplyDelete